Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
