When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
