Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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