I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
