Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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