you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
