3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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