Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
