I got chris browned last night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
