genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
