He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
