So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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