new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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