If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
