Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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