I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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