Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
