I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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