I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
