He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
