I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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