i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
