It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
