I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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