Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
