My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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