ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
