i just sent this text using only my big toe
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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