Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
