I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
now i know why i became what i already was.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
