I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize