I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
