hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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