Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
