At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
