I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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