That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
