You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
