Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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