Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
