Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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