yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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