We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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