She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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