don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
