I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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