When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
