i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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