My liver just broke up with me...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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