She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
