Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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